The LNER Encyclopedia

My girlfriend is sick of my obsession with movie detectives.
"We need to split up" she said
"Great idea" I replied "We can cover more ground that way".

I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds this morning. His mum got all angry at me.

Just musing, but do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they can't remember the words?

G'Day Gents



manna

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing by yourself.”

Good one, Mercator.

Here's another Putin chuckle.

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behaviour.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

G'Day Gents



manna

The price of petrol is so bad that I ended up putting vodka in the lawnmower. Now the grass is half cut.

G'Day Gents

Like that one, manna.

People have always named their kids after expensive things - Mercedes, Dior, etc. Watch out now for Electric, Gas and Petrol.

G'day Gents

Very true 'giner'.

After my funeral I want someone to take my phone and text everyone "thanks for coming".