The LNER Encyclopedia

My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she possibly say that?

Just heard about 4,000 Irish tourists stuck on a cruise ship moored off Buenos Aires because of a covid oubreak. The cruise company offered them the choice of either staying on board or flying them home to Tipperary. Almost all decided to refuse the flight and stay on the ship. Well, it's a long way, innit?

G'Day Gents

Old fella writes to his son who's in prison. He's bemoaning the fact that he can't plant his tomato garden this year - getting too old for digging and he misses his son's help. His son writes back and tells him, "Good, don't go digging, that's where the bodies are buried."

At 4 a.m. next morning a bunch of cops and CID guys turn up and start furiously digging up the back yard. Nothing found, so they apologise to the old man and go on their way. Later, a letter arrives. It says, "Hi, Pops. Glad you got your garden dug. That's the best I could do, given the circumstances. Love, Jack.

G'Day Gents

G'Day Gents

After a man from Leeds is convicted of stealing 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police warn he could still have a few Twix up his sleeves.

G'Day Gents

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

One potato, two potato, three potato, four...........................I'm sorry you've gone over your limit....................

You say "Tomato";
I say... "Where?"